Dealing with Disappointment
Disappointment. What a deep, heavy word. We've all been disappointed before. We've all felt let down, confused, and frustrated. We all have those days where we want to just drown our sorrows in brownie batter and watch cheesy movies that make us cry. There are those disappointments like when you try to make a new friend and they aren't really the person you thought they were, or a first date is a dud.
Or disappointments like when Mark and I went to see the Cabezon Dinosaurs on our honeymoon and it was nothing more than a deserted 80's statue garden. Lame. Fun, but very lame.
Or the disappointment you feel when you're rejected. That one hurts. I'm there right now.
For the last 2 weeks I have been slightly on pins and needles waiting to hear back after an interview for what seems like the perfect job for me right now. The interview seemed to go well and I was feeling really confident. Then last night I got the email.
"You're talented and have all the skills + qualities needed, but we're going with someone else." Part of me wasn't even surprised. I know that sounds pathetic but maybe it was the little piece of me that God was trying to tell it wasn't meant for me. I know that as a Christian, I am called to trust in God's plan and I'm supposed to just take a deep breath and believe that it is all under control. But today? Today was filled with my feeble attempts at trying to make myself feel better.
Bubble baths, coffee, cookies, The Bachelor, and attempting to create some more prints for my shop all proved useless. I don't feel any better and honestly after trying to turn my pain into art (& failing miserably) that scary question started to creep in. I looked at the "lettering" and "art" I had made. Why am I even trying?
That is a question I usually push aside. I know that I'm creative + I know that I'm doing what I love in my free time. But lately, more often than not, I've felt lonely and untalented and sort of beige. I know that the best way to combat these thoughts and feelings is with truth. Why am I lonely? Because I moved to a new city and everyone that I have met so far isn't really someone that I've formed a connection with. My friends all have school and wedding planning and full-time careers in different cities/states that keep us apart. Why do I feel untalented? I feel untalented because I was denied a job through a compliment. If my talent was really that "qualified and skilled" wouldn't I have gotten the job? Wouldn't it shine through? I haven't sold anything on my Etsy shop in months. To me, that speaks volumes (negatively) of my talent and creativity... and it shouldn't. Its amazing how disappointment and rejection can just suck the joy out of something that I love so much! I try to combat these thoughts with the truth that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and I am blessed to live the life I do. I really am. But some days it feels so much nicer to just be sad. To look at everything you feel and think and just want to stay in bed.
In my opinion, you're allowed one day. You can sleep in, eat another cookie, cry, or just scribble in your notebook about how you're feeling. But after that one day its time to pick yourself back up and try again. It's time to believe the truth about yourself. I need to get over this. I need to turn to Jesus and pray for healing. My bruised ego, my doubts and low self-esteem, my loneliness all need to be given to Him, because whether I remember it or not He has a plan for my life. I just hope it isn't trying and failing over and over again. Or working in customer/food service for the rest of my life. That's another thing. My hopes were so high for this new job because it was a full time job where I would get to be creative and meet new people and learn new things. I would love to get to be creative all day long and not have to constantly be on my feet. It would be a dream come true to get to use my gifts to benefit others and myself. One day, hopefully, I'll get there. I need to just keep trusting and be patient. My day isn't over yet though, so I'm going to take a nap and then get back on the horse tomorrow.
Disappointment sucks. But we can't let our circumstances turn us into someone we are not.