a special letter...

To Whom It May Concern,

I was going to start out this letter with "dear friends" but I'm realizing that some of you readers may no longer consider me your friend, and I want to say that I'm sorry. I could individually write each of you a letter, and trust me I would love to, but I don't want to overlook anyone. So this blog post is what I feel I must do. 

This past semester has been a rough one. I went through a lot of pain and change and I started to retreat into myself, not wanting to take advice from anyone. I pushed those who were close to me farther away, save a few. I was smiling when I needed to be, but when I didn't feel strong enough I hid out in my bedroom. I was safe there. I didn't have to face disappointment or pain there. But I've gotten past that. God has worked in my heart and changed a few things around and I truly feel as if I've matured and grown stronger in my faith and in the way that I view the world and all I've been blessed with. 

With the process of healing however, came the part where I left my bedroom. As I tried to get back into the flow of life I realized two things. One was that I wasn't the only one who had changed and grown. The second was that I had hurt some people who were once very close to me. For this, I want to say how truly sorry I am. I never meant to hurt anyone. I never meant to close myself off or build walls around my heart. It happened, I know, but it was unintentional. The way I reacted to my pain didn't seem wrong at the time, but now I am seeing that I put distance between you and I. 

For some, this is not a big deal at all. When we see each other we start right where we left off. For others, it may take some time but we'll get our friendship back on track and for that I am truly thankful and await the day patiently. 

There are some however, who I can see will never be able to start again. This kills me the most. Knowing that I hurt you that badly destroys me. I never, ever would intentionally treat you in such a way. I was focused on hiding from pain and trying to make myself better that I didn't see how I was neglecting you. All I want to do is be here for you and fix what I messed up, but take all the time you need. I am praying diligently that your heart is mending and you can accept my apology. Please know I am sorry. I pray that one day you can forgive me, but for now I will try to accept this loss and move on, as you are. 

I will end with this. I love you all dearly and miss you all greatly. I'm praying for those that I know are angry with me, that the pain would be healed and you will be blessed beyond measure! If you want to catch up and talk, please don't hesitate to call me! 
This semester was basically terrible, but I am coming out of it having learned a few things and having been blessed with new opportunities and dreams. I would love to tell you all about them, but only after we get coffee and you fill me in on all the wonderful things I missed in your life. 

You are important to me and I cannot wait to talk.

Love sincerely, 
Natalie Jean


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