be present.

So, it all started about two and a half months ago when I began to forget where I was. Not literally, like I couldn't remember places or anything like that, but in a more generic sense. I wasn't focused on the here and now. I was not present. I wasn't thanking God for my blessings or trying to grow and fix any struggles I had. I wasn't trying to mend any broken relationships or start any new ones. I was totally and completely wrapped up in the future and my plans and what I was dreaming of for my life and myself after graduation. I even had my hairstyles planned out! Talk about trying to be in control. I wanted everything to turn out exactly like how it was mapped out in my brain; the canvas of my life needed to match what I was picturing precisely. As an artist, I know it is clear that this never happens.
And the worst part about it was that I told myself I was letting God stay in control. I was giving Him my everything. What a joke. As long as I liked how things were turning out, I was fine. This color here, that brush stroke there, but then things started to cause problems. I was hurt by those closest to me. I was unable to trust those whom I had once trusted with everything I was. It brought pain and confusion. A lot. And instead of going to God with it all, I subconsciously lied to myself and told myself that it must not be His plan if I was being hurt. So I ran. I didn't try to fix issues. I didn't think about what I could be doing wrong, just how those hurting me were at the time an inconvenience. And I hurt them. I just tried to cut them and their plans and ideas and what God possibly had wanted for me out of my life. I told myself I was doing the right thing. I tried to replace people and memories and dreams with new ones, and just ended up hurting them as well.

If you're one of the people that I brought confusion to or someone that I hurt, please know how truly sorry I am. I was confused and hurting and instead of doing the right thing and completely focusing on Christ, I tried again to do things my way. It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply. I become bent over with grief and regret when I see that my selfish actions have hurt you, but I'm glad that I can acknowledge it and feel this pain because its a wake up call. I need to quit being so careless with other's hearts and start living with people in mind. I went from being used to getting walked all over, to just not caring and I promise you all this: I will find the middle ground! I am trusting in Christ because I know He is faithful. Psalm 73:26 says, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." So although my heart and flesh has failed time and time again, I know He will pick me back up and get me going again. He sustains us.
I'll end with this. C.S. Lewis said, "I am sure that God keeps no one waiting unless He sees that it is good for him to wait." This is going to be a helpful reminder when I start to get impatient with the way that life is going. GOD IS IN CONTROL and He has things waiting far greater than any of us can ever plan or dream of. Let that excite you as you see His plan unfold, even when it's not what you're expecting. Be here and focus on the life and blessings that you have currently. Be present.
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