8/12/14

its like the rain.

Hello beautiful friends,
tonight i am just going to be posting with a contemplative and slightly burdened heart. there will be no takeaway, no new-fangled idea you'll get from this, just hear my thoughts on a topic that i've been trying to deal with lately. i believe that the best witness and friend is an honest one, so let me be frank about something that has been an undercover problem.

my temper.

my father has a terrible temper sometimes. so does my brother. a few friends of mine can get ridiculous when they're upset. it's just life, people get angry. tonight however, it is time for me to face facts. i can get pretty intense when i am angry. it's awful. when i'm given the last straw, my final ounce of patience tested, i explode. and it scares me. 
no, i don't get violent. i (usually) don't post specifically hateful things online or on twitter. i just get really warm, and then hot, and i get this word vomit that is incredibly hard to control. 

it's like a cartoon of donald duck when the red starts at his toes, goes all the way up to his hat, and then steam blows out of his ears, as he becomes a ballistic ball of fury.


whoever i am with usually hears the worst of it. i feel as if i have no control over what pours from my mouth. this boiling lava of anger has the power to destroy relationships, reveal secrets, and deeply hurt loved ones. i know because all of these things have happened before as a result of my short fuse. actually, i wouldn't necessarily say i have a short fuse, there's just no warning when the fuse is almost up. then "bam!" i'm wounded and my only weapon of self defense is to raise my voice and completely black out to what vicious monstrosities my lips create. 

afterwards, if ever confronted, i have to really think hard and try to remember what i may have said. this is horrible and scares me so badly. how can i not remember what i said? i know it has never been as bad as an "i hate you" but its as if my brain just goes to sleep, playing a screen saver while my angry mouth takes over. 

it's like the rain. you don't remember when it started falling, just that its happening and you hope and pray it ends soon. and that is scary.


just to be clear, it doesn't happen too often, but i don't want it to be happening at all! i want to be kind, loving, and forgiving as much as i possibly can and i wish to rid my life of anger and negativity. there are just times when i say things to loved ones that is either rude, inconsiderate, or without thinking all because i've had it up to here.

it makes me feel so small, hence the layout of this post. i feel horrible afterwards. usually i start crying and i blame it on being so angry that i could cry. while this is true sometimes, usually the tears come from the part of me that hates myself for being so dramatic and grumpy in the first place.

what a catastrophe.

am i the only one that experiences this? i have started to pray about it and i am really trying to catch myself, take a deep breath before i speak, and walk away from certain situations so i don't snap. it's a lot harder than i thought it would be, but i am pressing through. 

i was afraid to post this because i don't want to be seen in a negative light, but if i am speaking my heart tonight, i might as well also say how important authenticity is. maybe this post will encourage someone or help you see that there is actually a twenty-one yr old young woman behind this blog. being a tiny traveler isn't just about going to different countries and road trips and cities, its about traveling through life. climbing the mountains that life leads you too, even when they're hard and you're not sure what to do. 

9 comments:

  1. Thanks so much for posting this Natalie!! I, like you, don't get real angry very often but when I do it's bad. You are not alone..I've been praying about mine too. It helps to know that we aren't alone in this struggle and that we are human... :)

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    1. It does help to know we aren't alone. Thank you for your encouragement and I hope we can both overcome it!

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  2. Lord, help me and my temper. Sheesh it comes up fast and quick and I just let it out...man, so hard. Thank you for sharing with honesty. You are not alone!

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  3. Natalie I can so relate! Thanks for your authenticity.

    I’ve had the type of anger/outbursts that feel completely out of my control. Like I want so badly to not be angry and say the horrible things I say, but there’s just no way for me to control it. Well-meaning people who don’t get it try to offer advice like “just don’t say anything until you cool down” or “count to 10”. They didn’t get that I didn’t even feel like me when these outbursts would happen.

    I went to a freedom ministry weekend at my church, Gateway. (All the resources and videos are on their website for free Here!). They talked about hangups and how things from the past, whether they be hurts, rejection,or sin can affect our future. So that weekend I asked God to show me why I struggled with anger. God showed up and revealed to me some things that were the root source of the uncontrollable emotions I experienced. I had already been a Christian for many years, but I asked for the blood of Jesus to cover all those disappointments, sins, and hurts. I literally felt like tons of bricks were removed from me.

    I broke off many agreements I had made about myself, namely, that I was an “angry person”. I realized that I was truly created in God’s image. God had given me a new name, a name that represented who I am in Christ. So I cut ties with the beliefs I held about myself that didn’t match who God said I was.

    I’m not saying I never get angry anymore. And it’s still hard. But now it doesn’t overtake me. I recognize now that angry is not a part of me, nor who I was created to be. I don’t think this would have been possible for me if I hadn’t gotten to the root cause and weeded out the things that created a foothold for the Enemy. It’s a journey, for sure. And I haven’t arrived by any means. But that day was a marker for sure.

    Anyways… sorry this was so long. I can just totally relate to this post and wanted to share my story.

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    1. Thank you so very much for sharing this Rebecca! It really helps to see how others cope and heal from similar issues that I am dealing with right now. Praise God that you were able to be a part of that service and let some things go into His hands! Proud of you :)

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  4. Anger is a secondary emotion - underneath that anger lies frustration, hurt, fear, sadness. Don't seek to rid yourself of anger but, rather, explore the depths of that anger to see where its roots lie... and then learn how to communicate those depths. It's ok to be angry - just don't let it turn into bitterness and resentment. You were given a range of emotions for a reason. From the few posts of yours I've stumbled upon, you seem to have a strong spirit about you, yet you also seem unaware of who you genuinely are. Find her... find that strong, confident, young woman that the world glimpses through your writing. Journey through your emotions and grow yourself. Seek your roots so your spirit can soar.

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    1. Thank you anonymous commenter! I really am trying to grow and be better at just embracing me. Thank you for your kind words and wisdom.

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  5. Although I don't have visible outbursts of anger, I have a silent anger that is just as harmful. It's like bottling up steam and never, ever letting it out. This leads to bitterness. I don't mean to, but I also don't want to explode either. I think anger has it's ways of getting to the best of us, and everyone reacts differently. Just because you let yours be seen doesn't make you a terrible person - you're not afraid to express yourself. Just allow God to work in you, while allowing you to express how you feel without hurting others. That's been my thing I've been trying to work on lately :)

    I really enjoy your blog! Keep it up. Keep being transparent. And keep expressing yourself.

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    1. Thank you Kelly! Yeah, at first I would always bottle things up and I had noticed that lean towards bitterness and resentment so I tried to work that but it seems that I've led myself to a shorter fuse, or maybe just outbursts. Like I had said in the post, its not that often but when it happens I get so discouraged! I know that if I am persistently working on it and praying I can get through it.
      And thank you for your encouragement! :)

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